While in China ,a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Australia, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you -- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
chinese doctor
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Aussie docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh,Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by it self...."
fromhttp://www.jokes.org.au/doctors-and-medical/
Minggu, 07 Oktober 2007
Second Opinion
Cure or Kill
Arnie, the tailor was frantic. His wife, Rebecca, was sick and perhaps dying.
"Doctor, please save my wife. I'll pay anything."
"What if I can't cure her?"
"I'll pay you whether you cure her or kill her. Just come straight away."
Although the doctor was prompt is visiting the woman, she died a few days later. The doctor sent Arnie a hefty bill. The tailor couldn't hope to pay, and asked the doctor to appear before the rabbi with him, to have the case arbitrated.
"He agreed to pay me for treating his wife, whether I cured her, or killed her."
The rabbi asked thoughtfully,
"Well, did you cure her?"
"No."
"Then did you kill her?"
"Certainly not."
"In that case," said the rabbi, "you have no grounds on which to base a fee."
from:http://www.jokes.org.au/doctors-and-medical/
Senin, 01 Oktober 2007
Slowly
SLOWLY
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
OUT AGAIN
"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke355.htm
Pneumonia
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Two Ears
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Shingles
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Before drinking
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor:"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
from:http://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Spots
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Heart transplant
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
God replied
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
32 Things During Surgery
32 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
1. Oops!
2. Has anyone seen my watch?
3. That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
4. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
5. Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
6. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
7. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
8. Come back with that! Bad Dog!
9. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
10.Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
11.If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
12.Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
13.Damn, there go the lights again...
14.Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
15.Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
16.Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
17.I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
18.Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
19.Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
20.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
21.What do you mean, he's not insured?
22.This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
23.Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
24.Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
25.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
26.I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
27.Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
28.That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
29.Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
30.Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
31.Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
32.FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Male doctor and a female doctor
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Her husband
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm
Urine test
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."
from http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/24780.html?19
Is from my ear
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"
fromhttp://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/19902.html?19
HAGS
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
fromhttp://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/19860.html?19
Childbirth hurt?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
from http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/19678.html?19
Erection wife
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
fromhttp://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/9880.html?19
A beautiful woman
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
from: http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/9397.html?19
A man and wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
from:
http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/9391.html?19
