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Spots

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

God replied

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

32 Things During Surgery

32 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

1. Oops!
2. Has anyone seen my watch?
3. That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
4. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
5. Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
6. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
7. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
8. Come back with that! Bad Dog!
9. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
10.Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
11.If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
12.Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
13.Damn, there go the lights again...
14.Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
15.Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

16.Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
17.I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
18.Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
19.Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
20.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
21.What do you mean, he's not insured?
22.This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
23.Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
24.Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
25.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
26.I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
27.Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
28.That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
29.Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
30.Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
31.Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
32.FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

Male doctor and a female doctor

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

Her husband

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

fromhttp://www.workjoke.com/projoke35.htm

Urine test

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."

from http://www.jokes2go.com/jokes/24780.html?19